Epic Magazine

You might look at this and go “that’s silly!”, but that’s because you don’t know any better. Half of life is spent figuring out that you are not cool in any way so why not beat the joke to its own punchline?

Not to sound all Cat Stevens but if you’re going to sing out: sing out. Life is short. Shit, or get off the toilet. Wear a shirt with your face on it, or don’t. You’re only young once and there was only one Woody Allen and you’re certainly not Prince so thus you thinking that you’re being “enigmatic and cool” sitting at the bar being all Broody McGee with a pint in your hand really just comes off as being quiet and coy and wet-blankety. You are not Benny & Joon. That kind of social behavior - in real life - will only land you the kind of girl who’s had more hipster dick in her than the urinal at a fair-trade coffee shop.

See? Now you know. Stop listening to Bon Iver by candlelight and get out there and be awesome.

Have you ever gotten in an argument with a British chick? It’s like getting in a fight with a vowel machine. Never has an accent sounded so unsexy as when it’s trailing behind you down the street drunk as a skunk in high heels going “Noa. Noa. Yeoa doe nowt undastaahnd. III wahs ownly geevin me numbah to him coz e sezze nows Mahk Jaycubs. Ee ad a soot on an everyfin! Wiy donchew trast me? Yew are sahch a blahddy arse-‘ole. I’m taykin a bleedin taxi back ‘ome”.

When girls play ‘sexy dress up’, it’s not fair. Because they can make ANYTHING a sexy outfit. Look at this girl: making wooden teeth and lice go by the wayside in favor of this Marie Antoinette bonerthon. You can’t have your vagina and eat it too*!

I mean, what do guys have in the way of sexy costumes? Sexy Fireman? Sexy Fly fisherman? Sexy Groupon employee? Sexy Freelance blogger**? No. We just stand there with tuxedo briefs and a silver platter looking gormless while you swan around the party looking like a Chilean miner’s fever dream.

* Actually, technically you can, and if you can, shoot us a message with photographic evidence.

** Knit cap, hoodie, Starbucks reward card, skinny jeans from Target, and a face not unlike a hamster staring directly at the sun.

She’s pretty high up on the WPTT scale*.

*Would Prince Tap That

this is my favorite one, and i think still sums up the site, so without further ado, it’s been an awesome project and i’ve loved doing it for you. i’ll leave you with this.
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basically i want to be able to look at my son one day - right in the eye - and say “your mom was fucking hot”. and then we high five, me and the kid. or something. i haven’t thought all this out yet.

Boners: A Retrospective
2008-2010.
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Oh, Zo-dog. You just HAD to go and get married to a fatter, sadder, even more emo version of me, didn’t you? Ben Gibbard made ‘feelings’ a four letter word. Regardless, without you, we wouldn’t have gotten anywhere. My dumb little celebrity crush caught on to your rising star - that was pretty cool to watch. I remember for five years after Almost Famous came out telling people “oh man, this Zooey chick is going to be HUGE one day”. Wherever you are, thank you.

Also, Ben Gibbard looks like a housecat and you could do way better (hey! heres an idea: you could date me! our babies would have gigantic eyes and heads and probably resemble parade balloons).

Boners: A Retrospective
2008-2010

i mean, we did pretty well, didn’t we? there’s a club night in San Francisco named after this blog (wednesdays at Beauty Bar). Boner Party got mentioned in New York Magazine, Pitchfork, and hopefully by at least one irate mom who found this in the ‘history’ folder. this isn’t the end - not by far - it’s just that i think it’s run its course in its current form, in this current incarnation. i think it would be better suited as part of something else, something bigger, with more scope. i will still blog about hot girls. i’ve been doing it since i was 15. god fucking forbid anyone figures out the password to my old livejournal. look: bascially, i want to move on, and hopefully this wonderful, responsive and great audience will follow. it’s as simple as that. i’d rather not drag this into the ground month after month year after year. it will return. it will not be named ‘Boner Party’. but it will return.

this is by no means the last entry. i plan on doing a retrospective the rest of the week.

Boners: A Retrospective
2008-2010
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i feel i’ve painted myself into a sexual corner, and i don’t mean the good kind of sexual corner that Jodie Foster might have next to her Panic Room, so to speak. Speaking of which, an alarming amount of Jodie Foster movies could sound like pornos. regardless, the Boner Party is a hard act to keep up. is it time? has the Boner run its course?

Boners I Once Knew: A Retrospective
2008-2010
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theres times when i’m like “fuck it” and just want to be spoonfed piping hot chilli by this dude and listen to ‘empire state of mind’ on repeat and regret not graduating from college and just be silently amazed by how many of the books on my bookshelf i haven’t read yet but just keep there to make people think i’m smart.