Epic Magazine

Astronomers have discovered an Earth-like, potentially habitable planet approximately 20 lightyears away. Before you foodies start booking reservations for Gordon Ramsay’s Galactic Cafe, however, Food Editor Carrie Meathrell tells you all you need to know about food in spaaaaaaaaaaaaace!

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If you’re already packing the cooler for your next camping trip to Gliese 581g, I’ve got some bad news: the food out there sucks. Apparently we can put a man on the moon, but we still can’t figure out a way to make space food tasty.

Anybody who’s been to Washington D.C. has probably brought home a packet of freeze-dried ice cream, opened the packet, sniffed at it curiously, and taken a bite of what can best be described as sweet, milk-flavored Styrofoam. John Glenn existed on squeeze-tube pastes and nutritional nuggets. Most space food is still basically the same stuff you take on camping trips — have you ever tried dehydrated bacon and scrambled eggs? Don’t. Your stomach will be totally fucking ashamed of you and will incite rebellion in your lower abdomen, and then instead of eating in space, you will be pooping in space, which is even more difficult to accomplish. Also, Tang? Orange-flavored bullshit. Ugh, I’d rather drink Mr. Pibb or prison hooch than fucking Tang.

Menu choices aside, zero gravity also poses all sorts of problems for the space-bound gourmand: for instance, did you know it’s harder to smell things in space? Aromas can’t waft appetizingly under your nose, and since almost 75% of what we perceive as “taste” is actually smell, it’s doubtful astronauts would be able to enjoy apple pie in quite the same way as on earth.

The mechanics of eating in space are also hazardous. Foods must be strapped down to special trays using Velcro or magnets. Most foods are packaged in single-serving sizes, sometimes with nozzles attached that hook up to the galley’s hot water supply. (You can even order vintage, collectible Space Food items here! FORTY-YEAR-OLD SPACE PEACH AMBROSIA! New pitch: can we send Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce on an advertising mission to MARS??)

Other, more extreme measures were taken in the early days. “Crumbly” foods like cookies or biscuits were often coated in gelatin to prevent crumb diaspora, which is basically like covering your Oreo in an aspic condom. The crew of the Gemini 3 was actually rebuked for sneaking a corned beef sandwich on board. Bread is a total space food faux-pas! Low-carb diets are definitely the thing once you leave the outer atmosphere.

So given all these variables, how might one begin to cook the perfect space meal? Astronauts report cravings for spicy food and strong citrus flavors, since zero gravity dulls taste buds and causes head congestion. (Rooster hot sauce product placement opportunity?) Tortillas are preferable to bread, since bread crumbles. Foods that store well and are easily rehydrated are also key (beans, rice, canned vegetables, tinned meats and fish), although a freezer and fridge system like Skylab’s means that astronauts can enjoy steak and brownies (sorry Homer, potato chips are probably still a no-no).

Basically what I think we have happening here is BURRITOS. Burritos are the perfect space meal. You can wrap up some meat, beans, and spicy canned salsa in a tortilla package. Get the guy from my taco place up there, he can totally roll a gravity-proof burrito. Freeze that shit and they’ll stay good for years! which is what I told myself all the time in college! (College was totally like going to space.)

To prevent bits of stuff from falling out of the burrito, NASA is surely smart enough to design some sort of little burrito cap that you can pop on between bites. (Burrito sombreros? Burrito Encapsulation Eating Devices? Can I be the chair of the B.E.E.D.?)

Beware of unhappy endings, however: the biggest — and burpiest — problem with eating in space is that it makes you throw up in your mouth a little. Literally. Since the contents of your stomach also float in zero gravity, you’re more likely to bring some tubed beef and Tang right back up — astronauts call it “wet burps”. I call it “fucking disgusting.” (Diet Coke and beer are basically forbidden in space for that very reason.)

Better yet? When all those space tacos you’re eating get eliminated from your body, you get to save your feces in a bag and keep it so that scientists back home can poke through your poop. (Space toilets explained here! )

But if floating fecal matter and “surprise” throw-up burps don’t bother you (again! space is like college!) and you’d like to give your own Space Food Recipes to NASA*, I’d advise you to get over there quickly before the government dismantles the whole program in order to pay for all those goddamn military bands.


*DON’T GIVE THEM BURRITOS, THOUGH, THAT IDEA IS MINE.

EPIC’s Food Editor Carrie Meathrell has an amazing culinary mind and not to mention a giant, phallic zucchini. So here’s something!
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It’s a bitch getting rid of all that extra zucchini in your garden this summer, isn’t it? Now you know what to do:

GINGER ZUCCHINI BREAD

• 4 eggs
• 1 1/2 cups white sugar
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 3/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 3 tablespoons minced stem ginger in syrup* or candied ginger
• 2 cups grated zucchini
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

*Also known as preserved ginger: available online and at Trader Joe’s. It’s young ginger preserved in sugar syrup.

1) Mix flour, baking powder & soda, salt.

2) Mix up wet ingredients plus sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Then mix in ginger and zucchini.

3) MIX ‘EM ALL TOGETHER!

4) Bake in 9x5 cake pans at 350 degrees for about an hour.

5) Party in the hot tub with zucchini friends.